today is 4th of july. it is ironic that people will celebrate american independence and remember sept 11th by watching a series of planned colorful explosions. i guess it's all a matter of perspective. for many, today is a very special day. especially in light of 9-11, many will be crying today in remembrance. i feel kinda bad for not feeling sad. shows how callous i truly am. what's worse is that tomorrow, i won't even remember feeling kinda bad about not feeling sad today. and i don't know if it would be any different if korea was in this situation. i had to look up korean independence day on google right now cuz i forgot that it was on aug 15th. (btw, did u know that the logo designer for google is korean?) as much as i would like to say that i love korea and being korean, i don't show it. how can i call myself korean when i have celebrated stupid holidays like halloween in the past w/o ever remembering aug 15th. yeah, we had the world cup, and yeah, i was very elated throughout the whole ordeal. i even wrote about that lump-in-the-throat feeling you get after a korean goal. i've studied korean culture since i was in high school. i took a korean civ class at ucla the summer after my junior year and got hooked. in college, i took some more classes about korea. i hang the korean flag in my room and even own a korean soccer jersey from the last world cup four years ago. yet, i ask myself the same questions... would i ever consider living in korea? nope. then, i ask, what if korea went to war with the u.s., which side would i fight for? patriotically, i yell korea (in my head, of course) would the korean army really appreciate this? probably not.

what complicates this matter is that i am currently in the process of applying for naturalization in the u.s. i believe loyalty is an extremely vital and admirable trait. thus, i feel like a traitor because by accepting naturalization, i am rejecting my korean citizenship. of course, i tell myself that it's ok cuz i was never given a choice to be loyal as a citizen to korea. this leads me to my choice to be naturalized. in several months, i am going to have to take an oath of allegiance. my reasons for naturalization are purely based on the benefits of being an american citizen. this leads me to the conclusion that not only am i a traitor, but a liar and selfish opportunist. i am scum.

would i ever consider living in korea? nope. would i take up arms for america if i were drafted? yes. would i take up arms for america against korea? after much thought, i think this would depend on where the fighting took place. on american soil, definitely. on korean soil, i don't know.

my loyalty is with a higher authority. he'll tell me what to do if the time ever comes to make a choice.